Feeling Lost

I remember distinctly when I started jumping in my equestrian lessons. I thought the same thing that many people that don't understand horseback riding do, "The horse will do all the work."

Wrong.

Oh so wrong. My horse would break to a trot before fences, hesitantly approach them then lurch over them, or completely sidestep them. Meanwhile, I would be jostled, left behind at the fence (meaning my weight was still completely on the back end of the horse when he took off) and thrown over the fence by sheer momentum, or, in the worst circumstances, fall right off of him as he spooked away from the fence. My trainer told me something that has stuck with me since. She said a lot about how horses don't actually know how to jump themselves, you're smarter than the horse, etc. etc. then...

"Take control and don't let yourself be a victim."

It was once I picked up the slack in the reins, felt the tension on the reins between his mouth and my arms, and felt my legs tight against his body that I could anticipate his stride and then adjust it so that we could take off at the perfect spot in front of the fence. The feeling of floating over that tiny little fence in unison was nothing short of perfection.

And so, as I've gone on with life since, those words have stuck with me. Take control of your life and don't let yourself be the victim.

But sometimes, I don't even know how to go about that. It's like I've lost the reins completely and find that my life sidesteps, approaches things hesitantly, and is a mess of confusion. And there I am, in the center of it... a victim.

I feel as lost as Alice in Wonderland

"Would you tell me, please, which way I ought to go from here?" 

"That depends a good deal on where you want to get to," said the Cat. 

"I don't much care where--" said Alice. 

"Then it doesn't matter which way you go," said the Cat.

 "--so long as I get somewhere," Alice added as an explanation. 

"Oh, you're sure to do that," said the Cat, "if you only walk long enough."

However, my problem is that I don't just want to get somewhere, I want to get somewhere incredible. But lately, I haven't a clue which path will take me there and which path will make me the happiest. As far as my previous post about enjoying the view goes, I am certainly enjoying it, but the winding down of Cambridge has placed an immense pressure on me that I desperately wish I could procrastinate. I've changed since coming to Cambridge... a lot more than people could probably guess. And a lot of my perspective has changed in the last year and is continuing to change here. Part of me wants to freeze time... to just give me some SILENCE and PEACE to figure it out. But, as per usual, all I hear is the ticking of the clock, chiding me that time is slipping away and that deadlines are fast approaching.

Do other people have these problems, I wonder? A severe existential crisis of sorts? Sometimes I feel like I'm the only one. Most people only worry about their major and choosing the right one, while I worry about every little possible path that I have to take after that and whether my life really will be happy and meaningful. And then's there's that whole... life is unpredictable thing... so why do we ever plan things? Its enough to make my head spin. I think I'm going to lie down. 

As the twitter kids would say... #frustrated #existentialcrisis #HELP!