Trying to Gain New Perspective

Life is NOT predictable. That is something that I continue to find out every day. Whenever I make plans now, my mind reels back to a quote I heard once.

"If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans."

I even laugh at it. Our plans never turn out the way we expect them to. Either we think we know what's best for us and then later find out we were wrong, or we take a leap of faith and hope we don't land flat on our face (and let's face it, a lot of the time we still do).

If there's anything I've learned while here at Cambridge, its that I don't know anything at all. Out of all the world's knowledge, I've probably scratched the surface of 1% of it. And even that percentage may be generous. 

So who am I to decide my life? Clearly, I'm no genius.

Plato? Aristotle? Socrates? ...Morons!

I know I'm not the only one who has this problem of questioning: Is this really the right thing for me? What am I doing? Will this make me happy? And those other strings of questions we ask ourselves about the future and the choices that will get us there.

I find myself envying some of the students here that say, "After I make my first million..." Wait, what? Will I ever make that much money?! For my major... the answer is a resounding NO. And would I ever have the confidence to believe that it was not just a possibility, but a reality? Again here, the answer is probably NO. Good for them, though. They know what they want and they're determined to get it. I have no doubt that they will.

But lately, I've just been questioning my decisions in life. I've been blessed with the curse of indecisiveness. I have bounced around from sport to sport, hobby to hobby, place to place. I can never stay anywhere for long, nor do I usually have the passion to stick with anything new that I try. It's a serious problem. I've dabbled in pretty much everything. 

However, life is about making decisions and staying resolute with those. It's my worst nightmare. So, as per usual, I'm doubting and questioning. I'm lost in the fog, trying to feel my way toward something solid, but only grabbing air. I've been plagued with these doubts for the last week.

So today when I woke up, instead of working on my dissertation that has been giving me grief, I slammed my laptop shut and said out loud, "Screw it, I'm going running." And the only place I wanted to go was "Castle Mounds"

If you're unfamiliar with Cambridge, let me tell you one thing. There are no hills. Ok, that's a lie. There is ONE measly hill. And on top of that measly hill is Castle Mounds. There is nothing special about it really. Just a mound with steps carved into it, but on the top, you can see the layout of Cambridge. It's not that tall, or particularly impressive to those who can't recognize the sites. However, I love this place.

Rookie move with the finger in the corner. I apologize. It was early.

When I got to the top of the mound and looked over Cambridge, I didn't really feel anything. I just took in the view. I could see King's Chapel, St. Mary's and--the recent thorn in my side--UL. I looked at the city, thinking about how short my time has been here and how soon it will be over. It was only once I decided to leave that I realized I felt calm; that some of my worry had ceased.

And what I've decided since.... I think sometimes we just need to be on higher ground and just step outside of our situation. Yeah, I may make a wrong choice or two, or twelve in the next couple of years. I've certainly made a lot of past mistakes in my life, but they've all lead me here to Cambridge. So really, how bad could they be? I may not become a millionaire, I may not travel the world, I may not get full funding for graduate school, and I may not even stick with history as a career. But there are a lot of other options. The possibilities are endless. 

So basically, don't always worry about how you get to your next destination. Take time to look at where you are and just enjoy the view :)